back to life...

Back to reality...I bet you didn't know who sang those lyrics, but you had heard the song. Yes? It was Soul II Soul. Not that it matters!

So--I am sure you have felt those sentiments. After a vacation, back to work on a Monday morning. Usually it's a bittersweet thing. You may be glad to be back home, to sleep in your own bed and get back to your normal routines, but you're also sad the vacation or the weekend is over.

In my case, I'm coming back to life and back to reality in a happy way. For the first time in a very long time, I just have decisions like "what should we have for dinner?" to think about. There are some points in life where the complexity and responsibilities let up, and one can breathe a (momentary?) sigh of relief.



This is one of those times. For many years I was so focused on providing, for my mom, for any future children, for Dave and I. Both financially and in our home lives. And, for my mom, providing care and assistance with everyday things.

As I've said before, caregiving is no fun, for either the giver or the receiver. On one level, it's the easiest thing in the world. Some extra laundry, help loading a wheelchair into a car. Walking slow to pace my mom's breath.

On the other, watching mom struggle--mightily--with ordinary things I take for granted like breathing, or reading, or dressing, broke my heart every moment of every day. I knew things will continue to decline and it wasn't getting any easier for her.

Then there was the emotional side. Preserving her dignity became the most important thing. Navigating the gauntlet of how to achieve that was very, very dicey. Do I intervene and help? Do I let her struggle in frustration? For how long?

I lost the ability to share the happy, vital parts of my life with her. She couldn't participate and I didn't want her to feel left out. I felt guilty for being young, fortunate, healthy and vital. I know she loved me, and was happy for me, but I didn't want to intensify her feelings of loss.



Add to that the stress of everyday life, and the mystery of not knowing what we were in for... financially,... emotionally. How long would we all sit by helpless against her disease process? It was just sad, sad, sad. And draining for everyone.

I could only imagine the depth of my mom's frustration, her vulnerability, her grief. She was mostly cheerful, and I could see how much effort she put into trying to keep a stiff upper lip. And, sure, because I was the person who was there, I also bore the brunt of her stress, mostly during times when she had to walk. Which, I understand, feels like drowning or suffocating when you can't breathe. So, it was absolutely understandable. I could empathize. Still, it was very hard.

So--yes, I wish things could have been very, very different for my mom. In just about every aspect of her life. I am relieved that I could provide as much comfort, love and dignity as possible for her. And that I got to be there during her final moments. I am also relieved that all of our suffering is over.

And, with the recent losses in the family, I'm thinking about how much time I have left on earth and wanting to make the most of the time. And, I am ready to savor life. To enjoy things as much as I possibly can.



When I am so focused on acheivement and providing, I tend to neglect the homefires. It just feels like no one is home. I do the minimum of homemaking, but the joy and enjoyment is lost. Everything and everyone feels rushed. I'm exhausted when I try to do both.

It's a new moment. I can let go of mom with love. I can accept my limitations on my time, energy and focus. I can accept that most people sacrifice something in life--be it time, money, quality of life, time with children, or time with parents and family. No choice is perfect or easy. There's always wondering "What if...?"



I'm looking forward to life with my new concept: SAVORING. Enjoying all of what life has to offer. Savoring pre-supposes wholesomeness, health and moderation. Savoring leaves nothing behind. Savoring is being fully present and 100% on board. No pre- occupation. No regrets.

I was taught well by my family to savor. Dave's family takes it to an art form. They are at the virtuoso level. For so long, with all the stress and emotion, I was in an abyss of anxiety, discomfort and fear. No more.

That's my take-away. The gifts from the losses.

For my mom, my uncle Lance, and for Isaac, I will SAVOR--very deliberately so.

With love,
xoxoxo
Email us at schleiferkin@gmail.com.

the thousand year old egg

Yum! Don't you just want to dig right in? It seems every culture has their bizarre relic foods that attest to the history of food preservation. Lutefisk, kæstur hákarl, kimchee...and, that outside their native culture, they're considered (to say it nicely) a delicacy.

When I think about how long I've been away from my blog, it's kind of like the amount of time it takes to incubate some of these foods! Please accept my apologies, it's been an eventful summer.

Isaac and I just returned from the memorial service of my uncle Lance. He would have been 60 this October. He lost his life suddenly last June, in very sad and difficult circumstances.

Normally I like to keep this blog upbeat and happy. So--amidst all of the losses we've had recently in the family, I haven't known how to bridge the reality of what's going on with the happy tone of my blog! So, I have stayed away.

However, with all of the loss, it's been wonderful to see family members, to visit the places where my entire family is from in Upstate NY, and best of all to be re-energized by the beautiful mountain and lake scenery which helps mitigate how much I miss the Pacific Northwest.

At one point I had a campaign going to get all my family to move to Seattle. Now, having visited central Pennsylvania and upstate NY as a grown-up, I see why that campaign failed. It's so stunningly gorgeous.

So, can we hang in and establish ourselves on the East Coast after all? I don't know. Time will tell. But, at least we have some more possibilities now.

Oh, yeah, and Dave goes back to school this month. He is already feeling the stress. He thinks on the eve of his 41st birthday, that he lost more hair. Post-baby, it's hard to tell! Our shower drain gets bombarded.

No matter. It's just so important to savor the time, and enjoy everything you possibly can while you're here. Take care and talk soon! Email us at schleiferkin@gmail.com.

still a roller coaster!

Hi!

I didn't say a whole lot about taking care of my mom while she was living with us, except for the occasional allusions that it was really really difficult! It was!

I will post more as I clean up the messes--paperwork, moving things, donating her medical equipment.

In the meantime, Isaac is almost walking! He can stand up and not hold on to anything. He is able to ease himself back to sitting without falling. He got his two lower teeth in right around his 9 month check up, and he is eating all sorts of new exciting things.

He loves the pool and splashing! Aunt Stephanie gave him the coolest blow-up ducky bath--which is super fun and safe.

So--life is just rolling along :) Talk soon.

one chapter closes...

Linda Kay Stryker McCarthy
August 25, 1946 ~ June 14, 2009

I haven't been posting for a while, because my mom's health started seriously declining around March 25th.

And, as most of you know, she passed away last Sunday evening. I got to sit with her as she took her last breaths. I hugged her and told her about all the people who loved her, and I said The Lord's Prayer.

No one wants to pass away, but if you have to, and we all do, I for one want to go just like that. With the person I love most in the world holding my hand.

All of you who knew her, and knew us, knew, that things had been very hard for her for a long time. So, none of us wanted her to experience that, and I know, things were especially hard after March 25th.

Goodbye mom! I hope where you are is much more fun and easy and happy for you! We will miss the generosity of your spirit and the courageousness you showed in the face of such difficulty.

We will have a celebration in your honor later this summer.

Love,
Tara

argument topics

Well, it took us two days, but we thought of some possible argument topics:

Which is better? Disgusting peanut butter? Or delicious peanut butter?

This one is fun because I think Jif is disgusting what with Carnauba wax and all. And Dave thinks Smuckers All Natural is gross because it distinctly LACKS the sugar and wax. So, each of us defines disgusting and delicious differently...thus, the never ending nature of this one.

Is Dave always right? Or just sometimes?

This one is also fun because Dave is the most mild-mannered, kind, gentle and diplomatic person you could ever meet. But, he DOES have his stubborn side. Each of us enjoys being right--that tiny jolt of energy that comes with the satisfaction. So, at our house, we make a special point to pause in the conversation, whenever any person is right, and we jokingly allow that person to revel in the momentary moral superiority. Even on the most trivial of matters.

And lastly,

Should our dog be named Merlin Hecubus, Spawn of Satan (Dave's choice) or Barclay Cornelius (my choice)?

This one isn't AS fun as the others, since, Merlin is Dave's dog, and he selected the name Merlin from the get-go. However, I have always been slightly disturbed by the schizophrenic nature of Merlin's name, it seeming to cast a long shadow on Merlin's personality prospects for the future. And, sure enough, Merlin HAS lived up to his name. Not to mention the internal psychological battle of good and evil on a supernatural scale.

I have always thought a more benign, and easy-going name for him could have just been Barclay. It has an Australian ring to it. And, the Planet of the Apes reference--grounding the dog squarely to the animal world. Generally, just pleasant.

Those of you who know Dave know, that his secret world is filled with epic, supernatural battles. (Hence his stellar performance at law school.)

So, while this argument is generally resolved, and I've lost, I still like to bring it up and point out the wisdom of my line of thinking. Especially when Merlin is a bad dog. Then the argument becomes, "YOUR dog is being a bad dog." He is only my dog when he is behaving.

the requisite argument

Dave and I never argue. Well, OK, possibly rarely argue. I don't know if that's good or bad, but I'm super happy and he says he is as well. Today, I heard a story on Garrison Keillor's show (normally I would be very embarrassed to admit to listening, BUT--see earlier posts about how there is only one radio station -- NPR -- in the suburban DC area hence my great consternation) about how he was friends with a couple who never fought, until one day, much like a little league baseball game,* they had a really raucous argument, and things unravelled quickly from there.

So, he said, naturally, most wise couples instead have the 'requisite' argument. A common argument, that never gets resolved that usually is about something trivial. It comes up from time to time instead of actual communication.

* these games go along smoothly until one player makes a spectacular error, and then the game spirals quickly downward--apparently this is observable and predictable. I wouldn't know! I guess I'll soon find out :)

As a preventative measure, Dave and I are trying to decide on the subject matter for our requisite argument. Possibilities include: (um...)

In other news, Isaac is climbing--on the stairs! Of course, with very close supervision. He can easily go up the stairs. Down is a bigger challenge. He still hasn't connected that it's really bad to go face first. I've been trying to get him to shimmy down backwards, but he still wants to just lead with his head.

He also has pink eye. It's illness #3, in a quick succession that began as soon as he started to put things in his mouth--around March 1st.

Dave is doing really well. He had a review recently which resulted in a bonus and a raise! And some comment about 98 of 100% performance rating. Wow! Go Dave!

In other Dave news, they had a Moot Court competition at his school. Of 350 1Ls (one-ells = first year law students), Dave presented oral arguements at a {very seriously scary} courthouse downtown {where they had only law enforcement vehicles and parking for "expert witnesses" YIKES!}, and he was one of 140 to go to the second round, one of 50 to go to the 3rd round, and we're waiting to hear if he's one of 16 to continue to the final round. Go Dave!! Nice job.

As far as my career accomplishments, I now know the difference between cleaning and disinfecting. I am very close to resolving my paper backlog, and I'm learning more about plumbing and home maintenance than anyone would ever care to know. NOTE: baby wipes are the best dust cloths, and they're great on stainless appliances. All a far cry from the glamourous life I was leading before, but there is nothing to compare to spending time with Isaac and the puppies all day :)

I still enjoy every single second of my time with Isaac. He is really sweet and wonderful and it's fun to watch his world come to life. He likes laughing, he HATES bananas, and he loves the doggies. It's all very sweet.

I am so looking forward to taking Isaac to the baby pool in our neighborhood. Dave also wants to buy a little one for our deck. The only bad thing is the wind gusts here somethin' crazy--and who wants to be outside with that going on?!!

I joined a mom's group--and then, I met lots of ladies who suggested I join their groups. So--I joined a second one, and am considering a third! Despite knowing a lot of friends and family here, it can't hurt to make new friends.

We miss you--and we have TONS of photos--and I'm waiting for Dave to finish school to post them--more soon!

Email us at schleiferkin@gmail.com. :)

if you're happy and you know it...

Clap your hands!

Isaac is clapping! We still don't have any teeth, but we do drool a lot and say things like "ta, ta, ta." I think Isaac has said "da da" but we don't know if he knows what it means.

He loves playing peek-a-boo and mimicking games like stick-out-your-tongue. And he loves to eat cereal and vegetables in his new high chair.

We have TONS of photos--like I mentioned, but Dave is the consummate FOAT-HOG and he knows about all the wires and such, and HEY, I'm just LAZY sometimes, let's just be perfectly honest?

Dave has been nose to the grindstone with his studies and writing papers and briefs, so, no time for things like the BLOG. Soon, very soon.

In other news, I've joined TWO mom's groups, and it's nice to meet moms in the neighborhood. Isaac is also enjoying our outings. And, it's been super fun reconnecting with my BFF from 8th grade.

Take care and more soon :)
Moi!